I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
