You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
