Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
