I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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