Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
