So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
