All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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