I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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