There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
