I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
