i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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