I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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