Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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