I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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