Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize