do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
