Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
