During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
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