I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
