There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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