If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize