the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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