It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
