you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
