i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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