a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
