just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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