Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
