wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
