I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
