There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
