Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
