I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
