I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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