I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
