im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
