my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I forget how to act sober
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
