Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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