You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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