Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize