hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
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That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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