my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
