I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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