I just saw a hot homeless man
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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