Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I touched a dick in church today
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
