decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
