I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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