So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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