Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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