Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
