I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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