I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
