I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
