My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
pray to the hookup gods
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize