how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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