I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
