Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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