I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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