census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
