Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
