I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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