why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
